31 Oct 2006

My fears are a little abnormal. Usually, on a day like Neewollah Oz Fest, (Please see my last posting) I sit at my desk and ponder all of my greatest fears. This is why many of your children tell you that I look funny sitting and my desk and making weird noises. No it's not gas, but me reviewing all of the things I'm scared of. So, since today is Neewollah Oz Fest, I have decided to share one of these with you. <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->DISCLAIMER: I do not except any responsibility for you or any of your family member's mental state after reading this material. If you experience drowsiness, cramps, or dizziness, please consult a physician. Do not read this material if you are over the age of 75. If you are over the age of 75, please have a bald headed, fat person read it to you in ancient Armenian. If you are pregnant and of Armenian descent, do not read this material. If for any reason you belong to Libertarian Party or are a card carrying rickets case, do not read this material.<-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->I have a fear of elastic. I know, you probably think that's pretty funny, but it is a fear that has lodged itself into my gob for the last 40 or so years. When I was about 9 years old, I got this funny idea that I would take a pair of my underpants (I wore Hanes at the time and have not worn them since...) and make a Batman mask out of them. The Batman TV show was really big at the time and I was so big a fan I just had to make my own costume. I decided a white towel with a magic marker bat on it, along with a pair of underpants as a mask would make me feel complete. It really was the perfect ensemble for impressing your friends. It took me quite awhile to color the entire "Cowl" with a black marker and I had to cut little eyeholes in it. Actually, looking back at the whole thing, I should have colored the hood a dark blue for realism, but you have to realize, I was rather young at this point in my life and really not thinking clearly. Even though this was a great idea, I had a design flaw in the hood. There were leg holes on either side of my face and whenever I put my briefs on my head and it would clearly reveal my secret identity to my friends and foes. Clearly, if I were to instill fear into criminals everywhere, I would need to fix this problem. My solution was to take several large rubber bands and use them to tie up the leg holes while binding up the elastic waste band around my neck for that extra boost of realism. As I gazed into the bathroom mirror to admire this magnificent specimine of a crime fighter, I began to choke. I had somehow tangled the elastic around my neck and in typical Batman fashion I flailed my arms around in a panic. I tell you, there is no greater fear than thinking that you are going to die with a pair of underpants on your head. For a brief second, my mind flashed to a scene in the hospital where a doctor would have to explain to my poor mother, "Yes Madam, your son passed away at 12:45 due to underwear suffocation....I'm sorry. If it had been Fruit of the Loom, he may have survived, but the Hanes was too much for him." Suddenly, the phrase "Wait'll we get our Hanes on you!" takes on a different meaning. As my whole life flashed before my eyes, my memory jarred something my father once said to me "Son, if you ever get Hanes in your hair soak in in water." (Actually, he said, "if you ever get PAINT in your hair", but like I told you before, I was not thinking too clearly.) I quickly turned on the water in the sink and dowsed myself but the black marker ink was running into my eyes and began to sting, which caused me to stumble backwards and fall into the bathtub. My arms continued to flail about, dragging the shower curtain and rod down on top of me with a thud. I had managed to get the Hanes off of my neck but the marker ink had soaked into my skin and my face at this point resembled a wrinkled eggplant. When my mother and brother came into the bathroom to see what the commotion was about, I was lying in the bathtub with my legs sticking straight up gasping for air. The marker had completely soaked into my face and the shower curtain rod rested across my forehead. Fortunately, I was relatively unharmed by the event, although we did have to go to the hospital for my brother, who was laughing so hard that he had ruptured himself. This is just one of the fears I have to live with, day in and day out.....The fear of Underwear. H. P. Lovecraft once said, " The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. The oldest and strongest fear of mankind is fear of the unknown." Yeah, tell that to someone that almost croaked with under pants on his head. Until next time, Happy Neewollah Oz Fest....Get it on!!!

30 Oct 2006

Tonight it is the night before Newollah OZ Fest! Now, Bluegrass is steeped in the rich tradition of this particular festival, that occurs every year when it starts getting cold outside. This event started several years ago when the holiday that starts with a "H" was banned by the Caus-Meister and a bunch of parents that don't like to get free candy . I addressed this problem with my class because the holiday that starts with an "H" was one of my favorite holidays because I could act like a kid on that day and my wife would allow it. Alyse Gerard, a former super - student and all around great kid said, "Why don't we just say it backwards, Neewollah?" Then at almost the same moment, Travis Elam said, "Hey, let's call it Oz Fest!" I thought, great I could get in a lot of trouble naming our new holiday after a movie that had a witch in in. But then Travis told me it had something to do with Ozzy Osbourne and I said, "cool". (I really don't see how I could get into any trouble there..)Anyway, we celebrate Newollah Oz Fest with a dance we borrowed from our Irish-American culture called the Bunny Hop. And now for your peresonal edification, I will now perform the Newollah Oz Fest song along with its dance movements. Here we go............Happy Happy Newollah Oz Fest! (Then you take two quick hops) Happy Happy Newollah Oz Fest! (hop hop) Happy Happy Newollah Oz Fest! (hop hop) Continue to do this until you see an ambulance arrive and several men examining you. End dance with one last hop.(That always gets a snicker out of one of the ambulance guys) Speaking of snickers, there have been sightings of the "Snickers Kid" and even reports of strange sounds coming from one of the file cabinets. The Snickers kid is our resident ghost that makes himself known by leaving 7th graders Snickers candy bars in their desks. Ok now for the serious, boring stuff: Tomorrow we have batteries of tests for the 11th grade class. They will run for several hours. After that, we have a quiz in all classes on Friday. Happy Newollah Oz Fest!! Get it on!!!

27 Sep 2006

Ahhhh, The Ellis has returned. I finally got around to getting this blog to work. So, now it is time for another installment of: "Ellis, the Man, the Mind, the Underpaid". This week in US history, we are studying our Constitution and how my great, great, great, great Grand Pappy, James Madison (Also known as Jimmy-Jimmy Jam, Jam - on)had a slight hand in making it more than just a coaster that the ACLU can put its coffee cup on. In world history, we are taking a look at Al the Great, leader of the Macedonian army against the Persians, Egyptians, Indians, Phonecians, Librairians, Contrairians, Diabetics, Scientologists, Urologists, Astrologists and anyone else bearing the common name of Smith. The battle scenes have a cast of thousands, give or take a few hundred. In all classes this week we have a quiz and next week in political science we have a test. I hope you all are settled into you desks with your dinner trays folded and your seats in the full upright position. It is now time for take off...... Wheeeee!